These past two weeks I have done a lot of deep soul searching. I’ve processed through a lot of emotions, wounds, and things about my past that still bother me today and this is the conclusion I’ve come to. I need to step away from my past. There’s a quote by Jeffrey R. Holland, “The past is to be learned from but not lived in.” All to often I let things from my past define what I do in my present. I self sabotage relationships with people because of things that happened in my past. Or I fail to believe healthy and positive things people say to me because of unhealthy and negative comments in my past. Honestly, these two weeks, have been hell and I have had to tell myself enough is enough.I need to stop living off the praise and criticism of others. These two things aren’t always bad, in fact they can be quite healthy at times. But when I allow my emotions or my self confidence be dictated by them, they become unhealthy. It’s great to have someone believe in me, but it does nothing if I don’t believe in myself. I can’t rely on others, because like me, they are human and we all miss the mark sometimes.
I also need to stop living in the past and I need to stop thinking everyone will hurt me like someone else has before. Something I catch myself saying and thinking is all this people left, so this person will too. This is where the self sabotaging comes in, because I don’t want to be the one getting hurt. So, I tend to start pushing people away, and I end up hurt anyways. In this process you can probably guess that the other person ends up getting frustrated, annoyed, and hurt as well. This has been one of my biggest struggles in life. Is people leaving. Sadly, it happens, but I definitely need to process through that and remember it’s life and that happens.
Lastly, because of things that have happen in my past. I sometimes live in fear and assumptions. Which let me be the first to say, is not good, and it steals away your joy. It takes away from the good things happening in your life at that moment. You know when life is going great and you feel extremely happy and you constantly wait for the bad to come. Then something happens and it can be the tiniest thing and that’s all it takes. You let doubt creep in, you begin to assume things, and by then you’ve invited fear to the table and you slowly start to sink. That was me this past two weeks. Like crying myself to sleep and self loathing all wrapped into one, and thankfully I pulled myself at of that. It wasn’t easy, but it’s usually not when fear is involved, at least for me. However, I did it.
These two weeks have been hell and I’ve hurt in ways I didn’t know possible, but I’m done. I know it won’t be easy, but I am learning to let go of the past and the mindset it leaves. I’m learning to let go of fear, which when you feel like you have something so great to lose, letting go of fear is hard…and not letting the “What if’s” flood your mind seem almost impossible. But here I am trying! PS. All encouragement welcomed!