Last year hands down was one of the toughest years for me. Not many people knew however, because I tend to be more of a private person. A person who holds everything in, close to my heart, shoving it way down, and trying to forget it’s there. For people like me, you know you can only get away with this for so long before it comes to the surface, and when it surfaces it’s not pretty.
Dealing and coping this way with life can leave you feeling pretty deflated, depressed, and so alone. Most nights I would go home and I’d be alone in my thoughts and my emotions would just sky rocket. I knew I needed to do something because a) I was so tired of being sad all the time and feeling like my life was going nowhere and b) I have this cute little guy who follows me around calling me mama, and depending on me to give him the most out of his childhood. I can’t do this, if I can’t be willing to do the same for myself.
I’ve learned something in the past few months… My happiness cannot come from others. Sure people can do things that make me happy, but they can also do things that make me sad, hurt, or angry. My happiness in life depends on me and how I react to things. It depends on the toxicity I bring into my life.
So much crazy happens in life and a single moment can change your life. But wouldn’t it be great if we didn’t take the little moments for granted? If instead we enjoyed those moments and counted them as the blessings they are? I’ve challenged myself to write down three things I’m grateful for every day, but I’ve also challenged myself to write down five moments from every day that made me happy. Some days are easier than others, but since I’ve done this I find myself to be happier and more grateful for this life I get to live. Sure, some days are hard, some days are sad, and some days I’m just officially pissed off with life and how things have turned out. But those days are getting fewer and farther between and I’m learning to just be happy.
I would say at this point in my journey I am on my way to healing. I’ve walked through the fire, through the valley, and I’ve grown. My soul has wounds that are being bound up. I’m learning to be happy in the little moments, the quiet moments, and even in the most hectic moments. I’m learning to open up more and not to bury things so deep. I know it’s not always easy to find happiness in the midst of a storm, but I’m here to tell you it is possible. I’m also here to tell you that you cannot and will not find long lasting happiness from others. Just as easily as people do things to bring your smiles and happiness, they can bring your sadness. They can and will let you down at some point, and that’s okay, because you and I let others down sometimes. It is part of being human. Which is why we have to find our own happiness in the moments we create and stumble upon. I promise good things are there and you will be able to create happiness. I have =)