I was in a small group awhile back and the person leading would ask us, “How is your soul?” I always dreaded this question because let’s be real here, you had to actually come up with a somewhat vulnerable answer and could not just reply with “good” or “fine.”To be quite honest, I don’t know how my soul is doing, most days it doesn’t feel like it is doing well. Not that I would volunteer this information up or even ask for help. Mostly because I don’t even know where to start. I don’t know why I am sad. I have a beautiful toddler that loves me to pieces, I have a place to lay my head down at night, and a job that I enjoy, and some of the greatest friends I could ever ask for, but yet some days I just feel so empty and I don’t know why.
My goal is to find a therapist and just maybe I can figure this out. That’s my hope. I’m tired of knowing I’m not alone, but feeling lonely, numb, and sad. I want my smiles and laughter to be genuine again and not forced. I’d even settle with just feeling something again. The sad thing is I know all the right answers, but I don’t feel them. I know that I am loved, that I am worthy, that I am enough. I know I’m not alone and that there are people out there that care about me. I know all the things that anyone could tell me to cheer me up. However, I don’t feel them, I feel nothing but sadness and emptiness. I miss the joy I use to have, and I’m in a war, to find it again. I want to be able to tell people that my soul is happy when they asked. That it is radiant and filled with love.