You ever have those moments in life where you just
break? You tell yourself you are fine and that you are strong. For awhile this is true, or at least you portray it to be true, but then something happens and everything comes crashing to the surface at once and you become undone.
That was me this morning at church. I’ve been hurting, feeling unworthy and self-loathing for a while. Yet, every day I put on my best facade, fake smiling and laughing at friends’ jokes all while wishing I could be in a deep dark hole. I’ve made choices in my past I haven’t been proud of and choices recently I haven’t been proud of. It’s one of those you know what’s right and wrong, but somehow you still choose to do wrong, and it begins to eat at you. The irony is we do wrong so we can chase happiness and satisfaction and we may find it momentarily, but then it vanishes and we are left feeling sad, guilty, and ashamed. All that shame and guilt bring are pain and suffering, and that happiness you were chasing becomes more and more destructive.
Readers, I grew up in the church, I was that good girl, the goody two shoes, I knew what to do, I knew the ‘rules’ to follow, read your Bible, pray, and so on and so forth. I volunteered at church, I think at one point I was at the church five days a week, but the truth is you can follow everything you’re supposed too and you can know what’s right or wrong, but if you don’t believe it with your heart, life is a whole lot harder, and are you truly living with the grace and forgiveness the Father is offering? I don’t think so. It’s one thing to know and it’s another to believe it and live it.
I think Taylor Swift said it best, “You can tell me when it’s over if the high was worth the pain.” I can tell you in my life it wasn’t, and I can assure you, it won’t be in yours either. But the amazing thing about God, when we stray from Him, He waits for us to repent and turn around. He waits with open arms because He loves us and wants that relationship with us and He’s patient. I don’t know about you guys, but I can be a bit stubborn, and the amazing thing is He knows that and puts people in my life to give me that little push when I need it. He also makes sure that there are things I will see and/ or hear that will help too. That’s what led up to today. God’s been working on my heart for these past two weeks, I know He has and I’ve been a bit resistant, I’m used to faking my happiness and getting by, but that’s not enough for God, He wants more for me and He wants more for you. Today, was it, He wrecked me through worship… I broke and to be honest I feel so much better. Today Pastor Josh challenged us that when people make us mad or wrong us to remember that God sacrificed His Son for them. He also sacrificed His Son for you and I. What a loving God we served. I feel at peace after church today. I laid it all down, I confessed everything I was feeling, and I handed it over to God. Today, is the day, that I will put on my real smile and choose joy, and not self satisfying happiness. Today, I choose to no longer just know what is right and wrong, but also to truly believe it. I choose to surrender.
This is going to be my prayer or the next few months as God continues to work in me. I know there will be times when I stumble and fall down, but I also believe that I serve a God full of love and grace that will forgive me when I ask. My word for this year was healing, it may have taken me a little while, but here I am fully surrendering to God and allowing Him to come in and fully heal me.